i'm deeply disappointed in myself as a teacher. i think that there are plenty of things i do that are good, and my kids are learning science for the most part. but i've lost a certain bounce that i had last year. the kind of thing that brings about close relationships with students. i do have some students with whom i am on terrific terms, but those kids are the types of people that i'd naturally flock to anyways - they're funny/cute, intelligent, nice, and goal-oriented.

not a shock to anyone, but the majority of my kids aren't like that. middle school, remember? most of my kids are walking terrors. they carry a chip on their shoulders and an attitude that beats Karen's in Will & Grace. and they get into more fights than antwone fisher. i forget, though, that they're just kids. they try so much to carry themselves off as adults, but they're not. most of them act the way they do b/c they don't know how to act or where to fit in. every day i have to witness the most awkward days of their lives.
even when they think they're cool, they're awkward. and that's when i remember that i'm here to love them. and the unlovable ones the most.

that's why i'm disappointed. i haven't been patient, i haven't been kind. i get annoyed - visibly. and worst of all, i get cynical. i think that most of it is my heart right now. has it become hard? but some of it is also because i'm tired.

speaking of which, WHY do schools start so early? in a world of 9-5 jobs, why have 7:55-3:01 schools? how weird is that? and people wonder WHY kids get into so much trouble in the afternoons? a lot of my kids don't have anywhere to go after school - they just walk around our campus. i've realized why i don't have many kids that ditch. a lot of them are tardy, a heck of a lot of them talk back. some even bring weapons to school and disobey all sorts of other rules but not many ditch. they just don't have any place to go. some of them even showed up to school on a pupil-free day.

i'm definitely not a morning person. getting up is painful EVERYday - even when i get lots of sleep. i feel sorry for my 1st and 2nd periods. but then again, they're pretty tired too so it works out well. maybe it's God's providence that I always have my worst class in the afternoon. 5th period is notorious because the students are on their sugar highs from lunch (lunch being a bag of hot cheetos and a coke). they just cannot control their bodies! what makes it worse is that class sizes are the largest in the afternoon because there is no 7th grade p.e. 5th and 6th periods. so even though i've always seen it as a negative thing, perhaps it's a blessing in disguise because at least i have some energy by then to handle them.

so i'm going to work on being a more positive person. more loving. and definitely more prayerful. wow, a lot of work ahead! chug-achug-a-choo-choooo! (noises from a steam engine)