a few weeks ago in our small group, we talked about "When God Seems Distant." (btw, i love my small group - it's really easy going but we have great discussions, real discussions.) anyways, one of the main points from our study was just to trust God.

As obvious as that may seem, it's such a hard thing to live out. It's in those times that He seems distant that I *think* He's failed me. Ultimately, I begin worrying because i don't have any models of His power, His wisdom, and His forgiveness. We have shadows of them in this world but in the end, they fail.

I know that as a teacher, in order to get the best possible results from my students, I should show them a model. If it's a project, I need to show them exactly how i want it done (usually by doing a parallel project on a different topic). If it's about not being tardy and having good attendance, I can't miss random days of school with no notice. If it's about being prepared, I need to show my kids that I know where I'm trying to take them with the lesson or unit.

Therein lies the problem, though, because I don't always know what i'm doing. My students would probably label the "quiet work times" as their hardtimes in school - when the teacher seems distant because i'm not RIGHT there guiding each step of the lesson or activity. They need to sit and figure it out on their own. There's a lot of validity to having them do independent work from worksheets or books because it gives them time to practice and to gain familiarity with the material. A lot of times, i give them work so that we can build on the knowledge later on - if it's something as mundane as copying vocab words and definitions, i make them do it because we will need fluency in those words so that we can do and understand the fun activity or project later. If it's questions out of the book, it's because they'll be tested with similar questions and need experience with them.

However, i have to admit that I sometimes give this kind of "hardship" to my kids just keep them quiet for a period and have some peace in the classroom. I know that I need to get certain things done and graded, I know that my voice is strained and I can't make it through an entire day, etc. and sometimes, as awful as this is, i give them "bookwork" for punishment because they're too out of control... There are a million reasons why I would assign "work" to my kids or be "distant" without a really good academic defense. In those times, it has nothing to do with growing their abilities or knowledge. So i can't trust myself to always know what I'm doing, to always guide the kids in the wisest way. It's equally hard to trust that anyone else on this planet knows the "whys" and "hows" of teaching someone through hardship. I mean, even Dumbledore admits to making mistakes and losing control of the situation.

But God really is so perfect that He can ALWAYS know and does everything for the perfect reasons. He is the best teacher of them all - he always has the bigger picture in mind. And whether it's to teach us something or simply to have us glorify Him, there's some purpose and good to everything that he has us go thru. With my model being myself in this situation, of course I'm not going to trust. I get myopic and blind to anything beyond my own experience. But thank God we have a God that's so much bigger than that and can even work through these weaknesses. There are no models on earth of His perfection and that's exactly why we need Him. I have to remember, we were created in His image but we fall short in all ways but there's always grace - for the times we fall short of being trustworthy but also for the times we stumble through the darkness without relying on Him.

highlight of my day: i bought a 2-in-1 toilet bowl cleaner and deodorizer that smells of "refreshing rain." sounds like a lame highlight, huh? but wait, there's more...the refreshing smell is so strong that i can smell it all the way here (at my computer). it should be noted that my bedroom isn't all that far from my bathroom, but still it's pretty powerful. and i'm really glad i like the smell because i have a sensitive nose. the aroma is clean and sweet. so much so that it's making me hungry. okay, maybe not so good. that's kind of gross actually - something in my toilet is making me want to eat more. yuck.

Back-to-School was last night. 65 sets of parents out of my 175 kids. Pretty low attendance percentage. But surprisingly one of the best in the school because I have honors kids whose parents show up more often.

The biggest reason for this low parent involvement is that we have a lot of "cap" students who come from far away. The schools in their areas are over capacity so these kids get the pleasure of riding a bus for 1.5 hours before and after school to get here everyday. Their parents probably cannot take off work in order to come so they don't. I'm sure the MTA bus strike did not help either. But still, it says a lot about the discipline issues the teachers face when we can never contact the parents via phone (disconnected numbers), and they don't ever come to school. Okay, enough complaining. All in all, I have to say that my kids this year are more behaved, harder working, and have the fewer absences and tardies that my previous years' students. I'm not sure how much of that is me "blossoming" into a better teacher and how much of that is just the level of the kids. The age-old question of nature vs. nurture.

I don’t spend a lot of time talking to individual parents because that will come during parent/teacher conference night in 2 weeks. Last night was just a 15-minute lecture to the parents about how the class is run, expectations of the students, and what parents can do to help their child’s achievement. Non-stop talking for 2 hours. (I’m sooo tired today.) Parents also get to browse through their child’s binder and see the posted work on the walls.

Once after a back-to-school night for my brother, my parents came home really worried about his future (a trend that still continues till now). His 2nd-grade teacher had hung up a research project they had done on their future profession. My brother’s poster was on MAD SCIENTISTS, complete with drawings of exploding test tubes and crazy white hair. Luckily, they weren’t as worried as my next-door neighbors. At least science was an academic field. Clarissa’s poster was all about SCHOOL BUS DRIVERS. Her parents didn’t understand that she was paying a high complement to our bus driver who was one of the nicest ladies in the world – she always greeted us by name and baked cookies for us at least once a month. Yummmmm! The world is so much nicer and inspiring because of little acts of kindness.