the pastor talked today about the safest place being in God's will. i remember a time when that point was so vivid for me. a close friend of mine was mugged last year right in front of my apartment at night. we didn't think anything of it but a minivan kind of was hanging out in the middle of the road with its hazards on. i think we all unconsciously assumed that the van was either lost or picking someone up. but as my friend was getting into her car, a guy jumped out of the van, pointed a gun to her face, and asked for all her stuff. then he jumped back in as the driver sped away down the street.

gosh, i can't imagine how scary that was for her. and even though i was not a participant in the event at all, i was freaked out beyound belief. i think it was the police's questions that did it b/c my friend had to recount the everything in such vivid details -down to what the gun looked like. i couldn't sleep at all that night. every time i closed my eyes, i saw the barrel of a gun pointed at me. i imagined the perpetrators coming back and continuing their hit and run tactic over and over again on my street. i imagined them doing far worse to me than just taking a purse. it disturbed me and rattled me out of my security so much that even the next morning, i was hesitant to leave my bed. i almost called in sick to work. but having left no sub plans for my classes, i dragged myself to school, jumpy and suspicious of the smallest things. and not that bad things have never happened to me before, but i think i had a naivete that came from living in Houston (where it's normal to wave at complete strangers in the street and have them wave back at you) and at Stanford (the ultimate bubble). i felt robbed of that innocence - that desire for good will towards all people.

and yet, as unhappy as i can be at work sometimes, that day was one of the best. i think it was one of the turning points of my career so far. it was something to do with the bells ringing at the start and end of each period - their regularity. something to do with the constant chatter of my students - the blanket of people and noise. the things i usually resented (bells feel so constraining and regimental and the chatter can get annoying). it was those things that somehow brought sanity back to me - the feeling that i could get on with life. that i had lived this far without feeling this insane fear and could let go of it now. it reminded me that God wanted me here in LA, in school, with these kids. It reminded me of God's current will for my life as a teacher. it reminded me to love what He had given me. and it was at that moment that i felt so protected by Him and so safe.