so yes, another entry about cars. no one writes about something this often unless they're crazy about it... maybe i'm just crazy.

after my 2nd accident, i went home to Texas. although the trip was planned a few weeks prior, i thought with grateful appreciation how serendipitously timed the mini-vacation was. i needed to get away from all the mess of the last few weeks and definitely not drive.

my plane landed at 6am (a red-eye) and my brother was there to pick me up. He'd already dressed for work and so he wanted to drop me off at my parents' deli. I could have breakfast w/ them and then take one of their cars home. The drive is one straight-shot on the freeway and even that made me anxious. I wasn't sure i was up for it, but i thought, "Golly, what else could happen?" another flat apparently... Driving my parents' accord home, i encountered a slight shiver in the steering wheel and a "thud-ump, thud-ump, thud-ump" noise. Paranoia struck me but i calmed myself... I honestly thought it was a helicopter and so i kept looking up, but alas, nothing in sight. As my heart started pounding harder and harder, i decided it was just safer to exit and so i did. I needed to convince myself it was nothing. But, when i got out of the car, the same tire that had been flat on my car and caused that terrible first accident was flat on this car. I have NO idea why i traveled at 70mph safely for at least 4 miles on wet road before exiting the freeway - my only explanation was that i had been showered in prayer after my 1st 2 accidents and I was just protected. It's amazing.

i'm a little freaked from driving right now. i haven't gone beyond a 4-mile radius in the last 1.5 weeks. on thanksgiving, though, i'm supposed to meet my friend and her family in Irvine. Eeeeeek! I don't know if i can make it. I went on the freeway last week for a short stretch 2 exits away and i could barely breathe. we'll see. i'm hoping prayer will work on this trip too. I feel like such a "girl" being scared of driving on the freeway. And if i drive extra safely, people are going to look in the car and go, "Oh, it's a dumb Asian girl bad driver..." but i think i'm just going to have to take it. circumstances can't be helped.

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A few weeks ago, i was thinking about my future and the things i'd like to have. i think this list might be a little edited to include a SAFE CAR WITH TIRES THAT NEVER POP OR SKID but here are 3 of the items.

1. A washing machine and dryer.
2. A treadmill.
3. A baby.

I don't know if i'll ever be rich enough to own a washer/dryer b/c you have to pretty much own a home, but i wouldn't mind living in an apt that had a built-in unit... it's just that i hate having to save up all my quarters all the time, having to go downstairs, and worrying that someone else is already using the machine. In addition, if i ever do have a baby, i'd end up having to do WAY more laundry (babies spit and leak a lot), and i don't want to worry about running downstairs all the time to do it.

I also don't know if i'll ever have the space to own a treadmill but this, i wouldn't mind an apt building that had one downstairs. you don't have to feed quarters into it to make it work and I don't think i'd mind as much waiting for someone to get done. I want a treadmill because i enjoy running on one. I run so slowly that running outside actually is quite boring b/c the scenery doesn't change much. I stare at the same point for 10 minutes before i ever get to it and by then, i'm kind of tired of running. The beach is invigorating b/c it's outdoors but rollerblading always seems so much more efficient. At least on a treadmill, i would be able to watch tv or read a magazine to keep my mind occupied and away from thoughts like, "I'm running, I'm running, I'm still running...maybe i want to stop?"

And the baby. I really really want a baby. I've wanted one since i was 5-years-old. And when i found out how babies are born, i've never ceased being in awe of the wonderment and beauty of having a LIFE grow inside of you - a personality, a soul. As my friends start to have babies, i realize more and more my desire to have children. They bring such joy into my life and i can't even explain why. i can stare for hours at one and yes, i'm one of the freaks who goes up to random strangers and smiles at their babies. I wondered if i would be satisfied just living near people who have babies but i think utlimately, I want to share in a child's life more intimately than as a neighbor or relative. But then, gosh-darn-it, I need a husband. That, of course, would also bring a lot of joy into my life... But let's go with the scenario that I never get married. (i don't know why my mind wandered this tangentially) I would be saddened that i never get to experience pregnancy, but I think I decided that I want children so badly i would/could adopt one from China. Okay, there are a plethora of issues with this one.

1. Would it be okay to raise a child in a single-parent home? I know a lot of single moms and I'm in so much awe of them... so many of them are absolutely amazing people, but even the non-Christian ones know that sometimes, their child just needs a father. But then i think, if i adpot a child, wouldn't it be better for the child to be raised in a Christian home in the US rather than in an orphanage? Wouldn't one parent be better than none?
2. Am I strong enough to raise a child on my own? As much as I'd like to, I don't know if i can. I am happiest when I'm helping/serving others but a child is not something you can take a break from. Would it be merely self-serving to have a child? I think i'm not being realistic about the hugeness of the responsibility.
3. Would i even be able to afford a child? Dang it, this one makes me the saddest. On my dumb low teacher's salary, sometimes I feel like i can barely afford myself and these last few weeks have taught me that freak-accidents happen that can deplete hard-earned savings. I got a raise this year b/c of my credential but I'm still not sure that's enough to have a kid, esp. if you factor in a nanny or day-care. We'll see...
4. Should I still adopt even if i do get married? If i can make all these arguments for adopting a child out-of-wedlock, even if I were able to bear my own children, shouldn't I consider helping those in need within the bounds of marriage?

That's a short list of the circles and circles of arguments I've been having w/ myself (mostly in the shower). They keep me amused and occupied but in the end, i need to recognize that I could have nothing but God and should still be satisfied. Be satisfied in Him alone.

so... can you believe it? i can't...

i got into another car accident this weekend. WHAT? but luckily this time was nothing like last so no worries about all that craziness. I was driving to church in my rental and as i was exiting the freeway on one of those 270 degree cloverleaf turns, my car slid on a puddle and i crashed into the divider. no one else was involved, the damage is minimal and if it was my own car, i wouldn't even fix it...but i'm scared that the rental place is going to file another claim with my insurance company so i'm forced to get it fixed. $300 estimate for a little bit of paint and a small un-denting of the bumper.

my life doesn't seem real anymore. there are just too many moments that feel out of touch. in the 2 seconds it took my car to slide into the divider, i really really thought it was just another bad dream... one of the many i've had since the other accident just ONE short (but very long) week ago. the crashing sound was worse than the actual damage but it was still freaky enough to still resound in my ears.

what can i say? it's been a tough school-year so far...a lot of brokenness. and even though I know better, I find myself questioning God if i did something wrong. Like Job, i want to know "WHY?" I search myself to see if i have hidden sin, to wonder if it's just mass punishment for something. I'm stuck in a works-based system. It's so sad that i'm so utterly forgetful of His righteous justification...His once-for-all sacrifical act. As I face all these weird circumstances in my life, I need to forget about me and remember that my life isn't my own. It belongs totally and fully to God - He bought it and can do w/ it as he pleases. So now, i just need to focus on my absolute need for Him and His glory. focus, focus, focus...

"what's next?"

i picked up my rental car today. I went boring and cheap and got a Toyota corolla... but I did add a little flair when i chose the blue one. I've never driven a blue car before and i must admit, there's a bit of "thrill" to the newness. =) My rental is the newer model of the corolla and i feel slightly jealous that i missed getting this model by a year. my poor 2002 model is a wonderful car but not quite as nice as my rental.

but why do i have a rental? because i got into a pretty serious accident this weekend. i was in so much shock from it that it didn't hit me till a full 36 hours later that i could have died. Saturday, I was driving on the freeway to visit my grandparents in orange county. suddenly, i couldn't control my car and i kept swirving left and right, each time with more and more force... trapped between 2 cars, i couldn't move anywhere to safety. I remember the sound of the crash more than anything else and then the spinning round and round and round. I kept telling myself to "wake up!" but nothing happened. When the car stopped spinning, i pulled over to the left side of the freeway and jumped out of the car.

My left back tire had popped while I was driving at 65 mph. Clouded in panic, I had pulled over into the carpool lane and cars were incessantly honking at me. I dialed 911 on my cell and got a BUSY signal! what? Luckily, i was able to reach a friend who calmed me down and called the police for me. I watched as the other 2 cars involved in the accident pulled over to the right side of the freeway. I couldn't see the entirety of the damage from my point of view, but it freaked me out that the driver in the car i hit wasn't coming out of the car. For a full 10 minutes, i thought i had killed someone.

Twenty minutes later, the police car showed up, stopped traffic, and directed me to the right side of the freeway. There, i was able to see how much i had totaled the car i had hit. I still have no idea where the 3rd car came into play...did i hit it as well?

Thank God that:
- NO ONE WAS HURT!
- the drivers were both incredibly nice people. as the tears were raining down, one of the drivers (of the car i had completely crushed) came over and gave me a big hug and reminded me that accidents happen and that no one was mad at me.
- i was in the middle lane on the freeway or else i would have it the divider wall and had a much more serious accident.
- it was during the day and it wasn't raining
- my airbag didn't go off or else i would have been more seriously injured.
- the AAA guy was so generous and changed my tire for free even though i'm not a member.
- my friend was home when i called.
- i drive such a safe car...i LOVE my car. while the front frame is messed up, the damage on my car is minimal compared to what i did to the other car.

Questions i still have:
- was it the nail in my tire (found later) that caused it to suddenly pop?
- was there anything i could have done to lessen the accident? should i not have hit my brake?
- what is my next insurance bill going to look like? eeek!
- what does God have in mind for me?

I could have so easily died in that accident. it scared me at first, but now i kind of recognize it more as a fact. My life didn't "flash before my eyes" but now that i've survived, i think maybe i can live with the confidence that God has more planned for me. To die is to gain but to live is Christ. I need to remember that and listen to what God has in mind. i guess that's part of the emotional healing that has to happen. =)