so yes, another entry about cars. no one writes about something this often unless they're crazy about it... maybe i'm just crazy.

after my 2nd accident, i went home to Texas. although the trip was planned a few weeks prior, i thought with grateful appreciation how serendipitously timed the mini-vacation was. i needed to get away from all the mess of the last few weeks and definitely not drive.

my plane landed at 6am (a red-eye) and my brother was there to pick me up. He'd already dressed for work and so he wanted to drop me off at my parents' deli. I could have breakfast w/ them and then take one of their cars home. The drive is one straight-shot on the freeway and even that made me anxious. I wasn't sure i was up for it, but i thought, "Golly, what else could happen?" another flat apparently... Driving my parents' accord home, i encountered a slight shiver in the steering wheel and a "thud-ump, thud-ump, thud-ump" noise. Paranoia struck me but i calmed myself... I honestly thought it was a helicopter and so i kept looking up, but alas, nothing in sight. As my heart started pounding harder and harder, i decided it was just safer to exit and so i did. I needed to convince myself it was nothing. But, when i got out of the car, the same tire that had been flat on my car and caused that terrible first accident was flat on this car. I have NO idea why i traveled at 70mph safely for at least 4 miles on wet road before exiting the freeway - my only explanation was that i had been showered in prayer after my 1st 2 accidents and I was just protected. It's amazing.

i'm a little freaked from driving right now. i haven't gone beyond a 4-mile radius in the last 1.5 weeks. on thanksgiving, though, i'm supposed to meet my friend and her family in Irvine. Eeeeeek! I don't know if i can make it. I went on the freeway last week for a short stretch 2 exits away and i could barely breathe. we'll see. i'm hoping prayer will work on this trip too. I feel like such a "girl" being scared of driving on the freeway. And if i drive extra safely, people are going to look in the car and go, "Oh, it's a dumb Asian girl bad driver..." but i think i'm just going to have to take it. circumstances can't be helped.

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A few weeks ago, i was thinking about my future and the things i'd like to have. i think this list might be a little edited to include a SAFE CAR WITH TIRES THAT NEVER POP OR SKID but here are 3 of the items.

1. A washing machine and dryer.
2. A treadmill.
3. A baby.

I don't know if i'll ever be rich enough to own a washer/dryer b/c you have to pretty much own a home, but i wouldn't mind living in an apt that had a built-in unit... it's just that i hate having to save up all my quarters all the time, having to go downstairs, and worrying that someone else is already using the machine. In addition, if i ever do have a baby, i'd end up having to do WAY more laundry (babies spit and leak a lot), and i don't want to worry about running downstairs all the time to do it.

I also don't know if i'll ever have the space to own a treadmill but this, i wouldn't mind an apt building that had one downstairs. you don't have to feed quarters into it to make it work and I don't think i'd mind as much waiting for someone to get done. I want a treadmill because i enjoy running on one. I run so slowly that running outside actually is quite boring b/c the scenery doesn't change much. I stare at the same point for 10 minutes before i ever get to it and by then, i'm kind of tired of running. The beach is invigorating b/c it's outdoors but rollerblading always seems so much more efficient. At least on a treadmill, i would be able to watch tv or read a magazine to keep my mind occupied and away from thoughts like, "I'm running, I'm running, I'm still running...maybe i want to stop?"

And the baby. I really really want a baby. I've wanted one since i was 5-years-old. And when i found out how babies are born, i've never ceased being in awe of the wonderment and beauty of having a LIFE grow inside of you - a personality, a soul. As my friends start to have babies, i realize more and more my desire to have children. They bring such joy into my life and i can't even explain why. i can stare for hours at one and yes, i'm one of the freaks who goes up to random strangers and smiles at their babies. I wondered if i would be satisfied just living near people who have babies but i think utlimately, I want to share in a child's life more intimately than as a neighbor or relative. But then, gosh-darn-it, I need a husband. That, of course, would also bring a lot of joy into my life... But let's go with the scenario that I never get married. (i don't know why my mind wandered this tangentially) I would be saddened that i never get to experience pregnancy, but I think I decided that I want children so badly i would/could adopt one from China. Okay, there are a plethora of issues with this one.

1. Would it be okay to raise a child in a single-parent home? I know a lot of single moms and I'm in so much awe of them... so many of them are absolutely amazing people, but even the non-Christian ones know that sometimes, their child just needs a father. But then i think, if i adpot a child, wouldn't it be better for the child to be raised in a Christian home in the US rather than in an orphanage? Wouldn't one parent be better than none?
2. Am I strong enough to raise a child on my own? As much as I'd like to, I don't know if i can. I am happiest when I'm helping/serving others but a child is not something you can take a break from. Would it be merely self-serving to have a child? I think i'm not being realistic about the hugeness of the responsibility.
3. Would i even be able to afford a child? Dang it, this one makes me the saddest. On my dumb low teacher's salary, sometimes I feel like i can barely afford myself and these last few weeks have taught me that freak-accidents happen that can deplete hard-earned savings. I got a raise this year b/c of my credential but I'm still not sure that's enough to have a kid, esp. if you factor in a nanny or day-care. We'll see...
4. Should I still adopt even if i do get married? If i can make all these arguments for adopting a child out-of-wedlock, even if I were able to bear my own children, shouldn't I consider helping those in need within the bounds of marriage?

That's a short list of the circles and circles of arguments I've been having w/ myself (mostly in the shower). They keep me amused and occupied but in the end, i need to recognize that I could have nothing but God and should still be satisfied. Be satisfied in Him alone.