my iguana got out today. i have never had a personal pet before but this year, i somehow ended up with an iguana which i keep in my classroom at school. i don't think i should be allowed to own a pet because i'm terrible. i'm actually scared of the thing - which became very evident when it got out of its cage today. saying i kind of "freaked out" would be an understatement. luckily, the incident occurred during lunch. i asked a couple girls to refill his water bowl and when they opened the door, the iguana (Fred) *jumped* out. I didn't know iguanas were so agile! then it commenced to run around my class while i tried to shut every door and blockade any other exits. while I ran over to my co-workers' rooms in an effort to enlist their help, the girls mananged to corner Fred back into his cage. wow, they are heroes in my eyes! how embarrassing for me as a science teacher! eeeek!

One of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced is a prayer or a hymn in a different language.

Two things happen when I get really nostalgic. With this recent bout of nostalgia, I also realized two things.

The first thing I do is flip through ALL of my available pictures. Since i'm still in an unstable time in my life locationally, most of my pictures are packed away somewhere in Houston, but I do have all my scrapbooks from my college years with me. Even though they take a long time to make and I'm not very artistic, I'm so glad I made them. With them, it's easy to do a quick overview of several years.

My first realization was for charles' sake - this nostalgic bout was well timed. While I was flipping through my (unfinished) senior-year book, i remembered that as one of the best years of my life. and in a way, I have not been letting Charles enjoy his senior year to the fullest. It's the little things...like how I'm always bugging him to come visit me or when I get annoyed that he hasn't talked to me for a couple days. These were pressures from which I was definitely free. Not that I ever want him to pretend that he's girlfriend-free, but I do hope to be a more encouraging presence in his life instead of a nagger.

My second realization came after I told some people the other thing I do when I get nostalgic. I try on every dress that I currently own. Totally a shock to me, but I guess that's weird? I have no idea where this started, but it always happens, usually before even the pictures come out. N-e-ways, both actions make me happy and I guess that's all that matters when thinking about the past.

I've been teaching my 7th graders about health this semester. To intro the topic, I have them do a quick study on the levels of body organization from organ systems to cells. While I was "lecturing," I injected some health tid-bits here and there to foreshadow the next few months. Today, one of my students who usually comes to eat lunch in my classroom reminded me why I teach and why I teach science. Her usual lunch is hot cheetos and a soda. Today, she brought in a Subway sandwich (bought early this morning) and low-fat juice. She said that she took note of what I mentioned about bad eating habits and decided she wanted to be healthier. In addition, she told her mom not to stress out so much. She couldn't remember the word for ulcer, but she told her mom that she'd get a "hole in her stomach" if she continued to be so stressed.

Wow, what I said actually created a behavioral change. Yes, it was only one student, but it's nice to know that I'm being heard at all. I danced around the classroom in joy. =)

new goal: learn from this and make sure that whenever I do hear God, it goes beyond knowledge into action.

oh, by the way, i have been a lot more positive and joyful in the classroom this week. i'm a bit less tired but I also think that my heart is really opening up to the kids again. yay.

It's official. Charles is now skinnier than me. wow, does wonders for my self-esteem...

this is part of the reasons we have so many miscommunications:

The Voice You Hear When You Read Silently

is not silent, it is a speaking-
out-loud voice in your head: it is spoken,
a voice is saying it
as you read. It's the writer's words,
of course, in a literary sense
his or her "voice" but the sound
of that voice is the sound of your voice.
Not the sound your friends know
or the sound of a tape played back
but your voice
caught in the dark cathedral
of your skull, your voice heard
by an internal ear informed by internal abstracts
and what you know by feeling
having felt. It is your voice
saying, for example, the word "barn"
that the writer wrote
but the barn you know or knew. The voice
in your head, speaking as you read,
never says anything neutrally - some people
hated the barn they know
so you hear the word loaded
and a sensory constellation
is lit; horse-gnawed stalls,
hayloft, black heat tape wrapping
a water pipe, a slippery
spilled chirr of oats from a split sack,
the bony, filthy haunches of cows...
and "barn" is only a noun - no verb
or subject has entered into the sentence yet!
The voice you hear when you read to yourself
is the clearest voice: you speak it
speaking to you.
-- Thomas Lux

I like the fact that even simple nouns can be action verbs or adjectives because of their connotations. But as I prefaced, that may be why we get into misunderstandings. A simple word may trigger a whole different experience in another person. I think real friendship is when you start to understand (without speaking) that voice inside the other person's head. That can happen fairly quickly, but usually for words to trigger similar memories, you have to build a history together.

Of course, before you can begin understanding other people's internal voices, you have to begin with your own. Isn't it interesting that we have something like metacognition? That we can think about what and how we're thinking? That we may have 2 voices going on in our heads without being schizophrenic? Side note: I almost researched at a schizophrenic lab at stanford that was studying the physiology behind the disorder. Apparently, a few patients actually lacked a physical connection in their brain that linked the area that created our thoughts or our "voices" to the area of the brain that processed them and recognized them as our own. Therefore, they would have thoughts and think that these "voices" were coming from outside their heads. Even more fascinating is that at the onset of this disorder, the voices are very encouraging, very thoughtful, very positive. However, as time passes, the voices become increasingly negative and discouraging. That's why so many schizophrenics tend to be emotionally depressed as well.

But n-e-ways, it is a skill to really hear people. An even bigger challenge (for me) is to stop and hear God's voice.

i'm deeply disappointed in myself as a teacher. i think that there are plenty of things i do that are good, and my kids are learning science for the most part. but i've lost a certain bounce that i had last year. the kind of thing that brings about close relationships with students. i do have some students with whom i am on terrific terms, but those kids are the types of people that i'd naturally flock to anyways - they're funny/cute, intelligent, nice, and goal-oriented.

not a shock to anyone, but the majority of my kids aren't like that. middle school, remember? most of my kids are walking terrors. they carry a chip on their shoulders and an attitude that beats Karen's in Will & Grace. and they get into more fights than antwone fisher. i forget, though, that they're just kids. they try so much to carry themselves off as adults, but they're not. most of them act the way they do b/c they don't know how to act or where to fit in. every day i have to witness the most awkward days of their lives.
even when they think they're cool, they're awkward. and that's when i remember that i'm here to love them. and the unlovable ones the most.

that's why i'm disappointed. i haven't been patient, i haven't been kind. i get annoyed - visibly. and worst of all, i get cynical. i think that most of it is my heart right now. has it become hard? but some of it is also because i'm tired.

speaking of which, WHY do schools start so early? in a world of 9-5 jobs, why have 7:55-3:01 schools? how weird is that? and people wonder WHY kids get into so much trouble in the afternoons? a lot of my kids don't have anywhere to go after school - they just walk around our campus. i've realized why i don't have many kids that ditch. a lot of them are tardy, a heck of a lot of them talk back. some even bring weapons to school and disobey all sorts of other rules but not many ditch. they just don't have any place to go. some of them even showed up to school on a pupil-free day.

i'm definitely not a morning person. getting up is painful EVERYday - even when i get lots of sleep. i feel sorry for my 1st and 2nd periods. but then again, they're pretty tired too so it works out well. maybe it's God's providence that I always have my worst class in the afternoon. 5th period is notorious because the students are on their sugar highs from lunch (lunch being a bag of hot cheetos and a coke). they just cannot control their bodies! what makes it worse is that class sizes are the largest in the afternoon because there is no 7th grade p.e. 5th and 6th periods. so even though i've always seen it as a negative thing, perhaps it's a blessing in disguise because at least i have some energy by then to handle them.

so i'm going to work on being a more positive person. more loving. and definitely more prayerful. wow, a lot of work ahead! chug-achug-a-choo-choooo! (noises from a steam engine)

did a double take when i passed this on the way to the library today...Legal Grind. one of those syntheses (is that how you make it plural?) that makes no sense. It's a coffee shop that will also take care of your legal matters. The big banners in the front proudly advertise "Notary and a cup of cappucino!" and "Divorce: $300-$6500, Expresso: $3" How strange.