it's over... (hopefully)

not the year. not yet at least. but i'm hoping the pain. i don't know what kind of crazy ride i got on in late august but it's been a rough trip and i think (i hope) i'm pulling up to the exit gate.

2 weekends ago, my grandfather fell ill and his health slid uncontrollably quickly. apparently, he had had a surgery earlier that month for his swallow reflex. it wasn't working anymore so they put a G-tube in his stomach through which to nourish him. the doctor did not have an after-surgery consultation so my grandfather mistakenly thought that the pills he received as medication could continue to be taken orally. the doctor assumed my grandfather would figure out on his own that those pills needed to be ground up into powder, mixed with water, and poured into the G-tube (i don't know...would you have assumed all that?) anyways, the medicine went into his lungs, caused pneumonia, and necessitated a life-support ventilator. the hardest part of it all was that i was still too freaked out to drive on the freeway alone...i couldn't go visit him.

my parents came this past weekend... i thought i would have to attend a funeral so i took the day off on Friday. But my grandfather had regained consciousness by then (off and on). When i finally went in to see him on Thurs. evening, he fully recognized me and saw the tears streaming out of my eyes as i saw him lying helpless, connected to 3 or 4 different machines with tubes entering all over his body. how in the world do doctors not have their hearts shattered every day? although he had no speech capability, he motioned that he wanted to write...and while his eyes were still glued on me, he wrote, "Beautiful" in barely legible English and then collapsed back into sleep. that memory, that moment will stay with me for a long time.

we struggled every day to see any change in his condition but after removing liter after liter of fluid from his lungs, doctors still saw no improvement and last Sunday, my grandfather told us that he wanted to more treatment. he asked that the tubes be removed from his lungs so that he could pass his last hours comfortably without pain and peacefully with family members at his side. i just found out about an hour ago that he passed away this morning at 8 o'clock.

i'm happy that he's in a better place and i cry now more for the sanctity of the memories with him. i am so glad he's at peace, praising God. i'm so glad i got to say goodbye.

i've cried more these past few months than probably any other time in my life... it's been one confusing, painful experience after another and i feel blinded by the tears. sometimes i wonder if i've lost my way and i am so grateful for the friends who've shared my burdens, my tears, and have helped to guide me back to the right place - the place where i can rest in God's warm loving arms. i have never been more ready for a year to end. i look forward to 2005 as a new beginning in so many ways... i know it'll take time but i am ready to figure out the lessons i'm supposed to take from all this chaos. and i pray that the tiny, tiny flicker i carry with me now, God will make it into a bright burning light.