So i've been finding out the last several weeks that caring about something broken is really hard. i'm not referring to people - b/c we're all broken and yes, really really loving people is quite difficult but at least people aren't mindless institutions run by cuckoos. i'm going to sound like a ranting lunatic, but i speak the truth. =)

if you haven't guessed, i'm talking about my school. my urban, public middle school in the 2nd largest district in the united states. the district that is ranked at the bottom of the nation. I've assumed quite a few leadership positions this past year, and i think it's helped me to grow in many ways and become a better teacher. However, it's also given me insight into the wallowing mess of district bureaucracy. I care about this school b/c i've grown to love the faculty, campus, and yes, even my crazy 7th grade students. I have so many role-models smattered across my school - highly motivated, caring teachers who work their butts off. But delving head-first into solving some of the basic problems at our school, I ended up hitting a big dead-end and a loud "NO THANK YOU" from the top.

When i started to see how I could perhaps help pick up some of the broken pieces of my school and use my talents to create some positive solutions, I had such encouraging support from teachers but faced extreme opposition from administrators. My adminstrators take district mandates and follow them blindly without regard for the needs of our students. The directives from the top could be accomplished in various ways, but inevitably, my principal and a.p.'s take the path of least resistance - which just does an injustice to our students. In the past, I've been fairly successful at compartmentalizing my academic/professional life apart from my social life (not as successful the other way around), but I recently became so frustrated that I started to carry the stress with me.

Part of me wonders why education is a field where incompetent people can flourish. What does that say about our nation's priorities? As many good teachers as we have, I hate to say that we have several who are just absolutely terrible. I am ashamed on behalf of them how little they do to get a paycheck - teachers who show videos nearly everyday on topics not related to their subject, who give assignments that require thinking skills no higher than coloring in the lines, some who actually degrade the students and call them awful things... and b/c of our union, these teachers can never and will never be fired. If they're extremely horrid, sometimes they can be transferred to another school - but i think it usually involves a "trade" where you hope and cross your fingers that the teacher you get in return is less bad. =) I just see very few professions out there where if you don't do what you're supposed to do, you won't be fired - even bag-boys at grocery stores can't get away with that. My district seems to have been modeled on a rigid caste system.

Even sadder is that some of these bad teachers become administrators (WAY more pay) and likewise, when they're not very good at their job, they just get traded around to different schools. That's actually how we ended up with our principal and one of our assistant principals when our former administrators retired.

In order to let go of the stress, i've found that one very effective solution is apathy. But that's a horrible solution - so I've learned to leave it up to God. I have to trust that somehow, even these struggles are meant for His glory. And of course, I have to leave myself open to several options. This would the ONLY reason I'd maybe consider going into administration myself. I want to fix all this brokenness. I want to solve not only the logistics, but also heal the distrust of the staff and the hurt that has come from the negativity of our leaders. It's been a weird journey and I wonder what God will do with these feelings of mine.

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On a WAY more positive note: Missions update! I found out where I'll be and that I will be working with college students. So cool. And, i'm at 85% of my fundraising and have LOTS of committed, prayer supporters. This summer's going to be great. =)